Run.

Much of the last two years could be described  as lessons in humility. While on one hand we were such a self admitted mess- we had hard stuff going on way before anyone got sick- we still were stuck in ourselves. Unyielding in our ways. Surely not convinced they were working, anyone could see that. But too stuck to change.

I had this whole theory on running. I was doing sprints the other day and was once more spouting my theory on pain. That the most amazing thing about hard, intense, heart pounding, absolute striving exercise is that you can beat your pain.

My theory is this. If you run hard enough and fast enough your physical body will be screaming so much that you forget temporarily the pain in your heart.

I can give a really convincing argument for this. As you sprint next to me and give one thousand percent of your energy, I will assure you that you have broken through and helped to managed your pain.

Or maybe…you aren’t really supposed to be hurting this much. Maybe your running is just that, running. Away from the pain, away from the hurt. It’s not processing and dealing, it’s just…running. Extra hard because the hurt is extra bad.

I think I have been wrong. And this sucks because I have put vast amounts of energy into this concept. And the really spectacularly sad and simultaneously amazing fact is as much as cancer was crazy hard, my heart was as at so much peace. Not one time in 2016 did I run harder than I was hurting. I couldn’t. It terrified me to have lost this one thing that I could do to help my hurting insides, but I learned and grew. And I think my heart is softer because of that.

God is kinda there in a more gentle presence. I found him in a more sincere way when I was quiet and had no choice but to put full reliance on him.

So, there is this continual reframing. My old way wasn’t really that great. It was self punishing and kind of mean. I think God has a better way. I’m still going to run. I’m working on a new 5K PR so I’ll keep doing sprints. But my why is so different.

I’m running because I can.